Gilahi's Gift Guide 2008 - Part 3

Welcome to the third installment of Gilahi's Gift Guide 2008.

I'm not going over all this again. If you're interested in the criteria for what I'm posting here, look at the two previous guides. I will say, one more time, that all of these "gifts" are still available for purchase, you just have to know where to find them.

When I was a kid, everybody that I knew had one of these:

Why? What is the point? They don't exactly do tricks or anything. They're a couple of magnets, fergodsake. Once you've played "how close can I get one dog to the other before it spins around and attaches itself" for oh, seven or eight hundred times, it begins to lose its appeal. Much like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". Now check this out: Seven bucks for a magnet with a little plastic dog glued to it, perfect for your three-year old to swallow. Good luck with that.

Speaking of three-year olds, got a neighbor with a loud kid? Perhaps you just really hate your neighbor even if their kid isn't so bad. Here's the perfect gift:

The top makes a humming sound and the little roller thingy is full of bells. Kids love these. It won't make the kid any quieter, but after about three weeks their parents will kill them. Everybody wins!

Again, here's something we old timers remember from our youth, because everybody on the planet had one.

Here's the way one plays with one of these:

1) Place a penny in the slot.

2) Laugh gleefully when the little hand comes out and grabs it and then jerks back.

3) Turn the bank over.

4) Open the bank, remove the penny.

5) Repeat steps 1 through 4 fifty times with the same penny.

6) Put the bank on the shelf, only demonstrating it occasionally to company.

7) Forget about the bank for three years.

8) Upon somehow being reminded of the bank, try step 1 again.

9) Open bank to try to determine why it's not working.

10) Throw bank away because the batteries have corroded all over the inside.

11) Wash your hands.

Here's an interesting novelty item:

That's it. "Grab hold of the bottom glass chamber and wait for the liquid to rise and boil." For $6.95.

I can save you the money. If you're thinking about shelling out seven bucks because you think this thing will let you know whether you're hot or not, you're not.

I used this stuff for a while in the '70s:

Supposedly, it really does contain the juice of one whole lemon. Using this shampoo will have two dramatic effects on your hair: 1) It will completely strip your hair of all of its natural oils, and 2) if used daily, it will bleach your hair. If your hair is dark like mine, use LemonUp and you too can walk around with a brass-colored broom on your head for months.

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs?

Not just any old Slinky, but the original, metal Slinky. If you're like me and feel that the plastic Slinky of today is a pale imitation of the toy of our youth, here's your chance. I've heard legends of people actually playing with these for up to three days before they get a kink in them and are rendered completely useless (as if they're useful in the first place).

And finally for this edition, if you hate shopping or if you just have no idea what to get for that special someone, just buy several of these and pass them out.

Yes, folks, nothing says "I love you" for the holidays like a big jar of Anti Monkey Butt. Your significant other will finally know for sure how you feel about him or her when they see Anti Monkey Butt under the tree with their name on it. Don't forget Mom & Dad and all the aunts and uncles. The whole family will remember you forever when they realize that you saw Anti Monkey Butt and thought of them.

There's at least one more edition of Gilahi's Gift Guide. Maybe two. See you next time!