Monday, November 3, 2008

Gilahi's Gift Guide 2008 - Part 1

With the gift-giving season just around the corner, we at the Gilahi Blog, in the spirit of Dave Barry, would like to provide as a public service our first annual Gift Guide.

These gifts fall broadly into three categories: 1) Stuff you knew as a kid but had forgotten all about, 2) stuff you remember but didn't think they made any more, and 3) stuff that I just think is kinda cool. Everything in this and subsequent editions is available for purchase even today.

Remember this stuff?

Your funny-smelling Aunt Gertrude always had a dish of this stuff. Fortunately, they make it in such a way that it's already 10 years old and stale before it ever leaves the factory. What's it made of? Why, good ol' sucrose and a variety of colorful carcinogens. Picking out a piece of this candy was always more rewarding than actually eating it. You never knew if you were going to get the entire chunk in the shape of whatever bowl it was in or you'd actually pick up the bowl as well.

Now, in the realm of the truly creepy, it's difficult for me to imagine that anyone ever bought these when "Family Affair" was a popular show:

Aren't dolls supposed to teach little girls how to be mothers or models with tremendous breasts or something like that? Heck, for $100 this doll should clean my house every couple of weeks. Mrs. Beasley teaches little girls how to take care of old spinsters. What most people don't know, and the really creepy part of it all, is that Mrs. Beasley was actually Buffy's conjoined twin. They were separated just before the show aired for the first time.

And by all means let's not forget our little claymation pals, Gumby and the adequately named Pokey.

"Adequately-named" because after your child plays with this toy for, oh, 10 minutes, one of the little wires inside will poke through the soft vinyl outside and proceed to gore your child to death. "Pokey" indeed.

Hey, kids! Remember all the fun we had back in the '70s with these?

These make a noise like the Cicada That Ate Cincinnati. What could possibly be better than having a couple of 2-pound chunks of solid plastic slamming together at the speed of sound mere inches from your head? How great is it when one of these things explodes sending shards of shrapnel 100 yards in every direction like some sort of adolescent-launched hand grenade? I've heard stories of these things winding up on peoples' roofs and acting like magnifying glasses in the sun, thus destroying the home of the doting parents who shelled out 10 bucks for your pleasure in the first place, but that may be just an urban legend. I had also heard that they were illegal, but that may not be true either. All we need now is a source for lawn darts.

Finally on today's gift list, I can only say that if one gives this as a gift to a friend, one should warn that friend to be very careful where he or she applies it. On the other hand, if you're giving to someone you don't very much care for, well....

Stay tuned to this site for more great gift-giving ideas in the next few days.


Bilbo said...

Hmmm...the part about the "durable plastic balls" seems just made for our current crop of politicians.

lacochran said...

I don't know who was creepier--Mrs. Beasley or Buffy. And now I'll have that theme song running in my head all day. Thanks much.

Gilahi said...

bilbo - Does that include our illustrious Republican VP nominee?

lacochran - Always happy to help out.

brian said...

I loved my balls... my Click Clack balls, that is. I think it definitely won for the toy that your parents instantly regretted buying you as a kid.

I have to admit though, the focus and concentration of getting them to bang together just right completely masked out their noise. Until about 5 minutes later when you wonder why your ears are ringing.

Mike said...

"All we need now is a source for lawn darts."

I'm the source. I actually still have an original set. Pointy metal tips and all.

Gilahi said...

brian - It just occurred to me that maybe if you put some of that No-Crack on your balls then you wouldn't have to worry about them exploding when you're banging them together.

mike - TOURNAMENT! We'll need lots of beer, because nothing says dangerous, heavy-metal-tipped fun like alcohol.

Bilbo said...

Of course that includes our illustrious Republican VP nominee. She seems to have Senator McCain's, after all...

fiona said...

We never had ANY of these illustrious
gifts in Scotland. Santa sucks.

Herb of DC said...

Great post! But did Santa give you a copy of my Xmas list from 1967?

Gilahi said...

bilbo - Guess she must've finished off her husband's and her future son-in-law's.

fiona - Sorry. What a drab existence you must have had. Maybe it was your attitude toward Santa that got you blacklisted.

herb - Thanks! There's plenty more to follow. Actually, I got your 1967 Xmas list while rooting through Santa's trash.

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