Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Gilahi's Gift Guide 2008 - Part 3

Welcome to the third installment of Gilahi's Gift Guide 2008.

I'm not going over all this again. If you're interested in the criteria for what I'm posting here, look at the two previous guides. I will say, one more time, that all of these "gifts" are still available for purchase, you just have to know where to find them.

When I was a kid, everybody that I knew had one of these:

Why? What is the point? They don't exactly do tricks or anything. They're a couple of magnets, fergodsake. Once you've played "how close can I get one dog to the other before it spins around and attaches itself" for oh, seven or eight hundred times, it begins to lose its appeal. Much like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". Now check this out: Seven bucks for a magnet with a little plastic dog glued to it, perfect for your three-year old to swallow. Good luck with that.

Speaking of three-year olds, got a neighbor with a loud kid? Perhaps you just really hate your neighbor even if their kid isn't so bad. Here's the perfect gift:

The top makes a humming sound and the little roller thingy is full of bells. Kids love these. It won't make the kid any quieter, but after about three weeks their parents will kill them. Everybody wins!

Again, here's something we old timers remember from our youth, because everybody on the planet had one.

Here's the way one plays with one of these:

1) Place a penny in the slot.
2) Laugh gleefully when the little hand comes out and grabs it and then jerks back.
3) Turn the bank over.
4) Open the bank, remove the penny.
5) Repeat steps 1 through 4 fifty times with the same penny.
6) Put the bank on the shelf, only demonstrating it occasionally to company.
7) Forget about the bank for three years.
8) Upon somehow being reminded of the bank, try step 1 again.
9) Open bank to try to determine why it's not working.
10) Throw bank away because the batteries have corroded all over the inside.
11) Wash your hands.

Here's an interesting novelty item:

That's it. "Grab hold of the bottom glass chamber and wait for the liquid to rise and boil." For $6.95.

I can save you the money. If you're thinking about shelling out seven bucks because you think this thing will let you know whether you're hot or not, you're not.

I used this stuff for a while in the '70s:

Supposedly, it really does contain the juice of one whole lemon. Using this shampoo will have two dramatic effects on your hair: 1) It will completely strip your hair of all of its natural oils, and 2) if used daily, it will bleach your hair. If your hair is dark like mine, use LemonUp and you too can walk around with a brass-colored broom on your head for months.

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs?

Not just any old Slinky, but the original, metal Slinky. If you're like me and feel that the plastic Slinky of today is a pale imitation of the toy of our youth, here's your chance. I've heard legends of people actually playing with these for up to three days before they get a kink in them and are rendered completely useless (as if they're useful in the first place).

And finally for this edition, if you hate shopping or if you just have no idea what to get for that special someone, just buy several of these and pass them out.

Yes, folks, nothing says "I love you" for the holidays like a big jar of Anti Monkey Butt. Your significant other will finally know for sure how you feel about him or her when they see Anti Monkey Butt under the tree with their name on it. Don't forget Mom & Dad and all the aunts and uncles. The whole family will remember you forever when they realize that you saw Anti Monkey Butt and thought of them.

There's at least one more edition of Gilahi's Gift Guide. Maybe two. See you next time!


lacochran said...

What the hell is wrong with monkey butt?!

Also, when my nephew was little, I gave him a toy trumpet. Hee hee. I was very popular with his parents.

Gilahi said...

lacochran - Oh my, I should've put a disclaimer in there. Folks, please do not give lacochran a jar of Anti Monkey Butt.

I once swore that my daughter would have all foam rubber toys. Didn't work out that way.

fiona said...

My monkey butt could use some of your
Anti Monkey Butt. Do they have Anti Monkey Face in their product range?
Not that I need it or anything...

Telling tales to Santa is not a mortal sin, not if you sit on his lap.

Bilbo said...

The Tin Top!! The Hand Bubbler!! The Slinky!! All the great toys that made my childhood memorable! Except for the Anti Monkey Butt, of course. But now that I mention it, info me on your answer to Fiona, if you would. I promise not to share with lacochran.

GreenCanary said...

I used to make my guinea pig run through my metal Slinky as if it were a tunnel. NOTHING kinks up a Slinky like a pissed-off guinea pig.

P.S. My word verification is "busillyum." Isn't that an element on the Period Table?

Gilahi said...

fiona - I didn't notice any Anti Monkey anything else in the catalog. And sitting on Santa's lap might be a mortal sin for him.

bilbo - All this great stuff was in a catalog I got from The Vermont Country Store.

canary - "Nothing kinks up a Slinky like a pissed-off guinea pig" is going into my list of all-time great quotes. I think busillyum is one of the trace elements found on the floor of the garage at the Metro.

Kate said...

The hand bubbler? Um.... I was thinking pretty dirty thoughts about other uses for it. Am I the only one? Seriously.

And I'm the one that gives loud toys to your children. Hate me if you must.

Gilahi said...

kate - I can't speak for others, but now you've got me thinking of various ways to make the Hand Bubbler's liquid "rise and boil". Between that and the toys you give to the kids, I'm not sure I could ever forgive you.

GreenCanary said...

Periodic table

GreenCanary said...

Okay, just checking... I SWEAR that I typed Periodic Table the first time around, but nope... it's there, bold and wrong: Period Table. I thought maybe it was a conspiracy and Blogger was changing what I wrote.

Turns out? I just can't type.

P.S. Word verification gave me "ovingel." Sounds like a personal lubricant.

Bilbo said...

I have terrible visions of black-clad DHS agents cordoning off metro garages because of ovingel and busillyum contamination. I think I'll go home and cringe. And my verification word is "depro," which is almost worse.

Mike said...

I've owned a few of these items over the years.

And greencanary, isn't the period table ... (comment deleted from brain, redirect) ... a misspelling?

Herb of DC said...

I didn't have any of these toys although "Uncle" Bob used to encourage us to play bank by putting a coin in his pocket.

Gilahi said...

canary - As so often happens, I'm confused. Your first comment does indeed say "Periodic table". Ovingel is just an anagram for "e-loving".

bilbo - This must be how the drug companies come up with those idiotic names for the things they advertise on TV and then warn you not to take. "You shouldn't take Depro if you're using Ovingel or suffer from busillyum infections."

mike - We all have. Except, apparently, fiona.

herb - "Uncle" Bob really didn't mind if you used the same coin over and over again, did he?

LiLu said...

I know a BUNCH of people who are getting anti-monkey butt for christmas, thanks to you.

Gilahi said...

I'm so happy that I've been able to contribute in some small way. Thanks for letting me know.

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