I keep an "Entertainment News" gadget on my iGoogle home page because occasionally one of my aging rock & roll idols does something of note (e.g. - dies) that I'm interested in. I rarely read any of the articles because I really don't care who's getting married, getting divorced, pregnant, converting to Scientology, or hosting this week's awards show. Now when Keith Richards says he snorts his father, that's interesting. When Ozzy Osbourne, who can barely walk without someone next to him saying "right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot" crashes an ATV, I have to read the article just to try to figure out if he was conscious at the time and who thought it might be a good idea to put him on an ATV in the first place.
Occasionally, though, a headline will catch my eye. Earlier this year, there was a big headline about Lindsay Lohan being seen drinking at a New Year's Eve party. Oh, the article fleshed out all sorts of background about her rehab experience, her past peccadillos, poor thing, but the meat of the article was that she had taken a sip of champagne, immediately regretted it, called her (supposedly AA) sponsor, talked it out, and hadn't had any more to drink that night.
So think about this: A talentless, B-list celebrity whose only real claim to fame is that she's a celebrity in the first place took a sip of champagne on New Year's Eve and then put the glass down. This is news.
Being the analytical type, I immediately came up with this formula:
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
This Just In...
(Somebody got paid money to write this article) + (It wasn't me) = (I'm in the wrong business)
Let's see, we're at war in two different countries, the terrorist threat level has been no lower than orange for seven years, the economy's in the pits, the ice caps are melting, oil prices are surging, something like 20% of the people in this country have zero or negative equity in their homes (if they're lucky enough to still have their homes), we have history-making presidential possibilities, and Lindsay Lohan took a drink. One of these things is not like the others.
Today, however, I saw this startling revelation: Memoir says Madonna's true love is herself.
Color me surprised. Somebody (her brother) with inside information believes that Madonna just might be a teeny bit narcissistic. Huh. How would we have ever known?
Why this particular article and why now? Why not "Study shows that Barbra Streisand has enormous honker"? "Research indicates that Fox News not fair and balanced"? "Government-funded study indicates that Isaac Mizrahi might be gay"?
Given that Madonna is certainly not attractive and the only talent she's ever shown is that of marketing Madonna in some outrageous fashion (she certainly can't sing, dance or act), I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out that she actually ghost-wrote the memoir just to get her name back in the headlines.
God knows she doesn't want to kiss Britney again.
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18 comments:
Reason no. 367 why I'm trashing my t.v., becoming a hermit, and moving into a cave: I can't bear anymore of this earth-shattering, breaking news. I mean, how am I suppose to sleep at night knowing Madonna is a narcissist? I've spent years believing she was generous and introspective and someone to be emulated and now you tell me she's not?!
WTF, man?
I'm going back to bed. Don't wake me up.
I hate to do this to you, J.M., but I strongly suspect that Paris Hilton is not the Albert Shweitzer you think she is, either.
I prefer to think of our threat level as persimmon. It goes better with my Martha Stewart towels.
The Republicans would never stand for that. Doesn't inspire enough fear. Although it does make me think that we should probably come up with some nicer names.
Threat level carrot.
Threat level Nerf Ball.
Threat level candied yams.
Threat level baby aspirin.
Threat level pumpkin.
Threat level Cheetos.
I like these. I feel better already.
Another possible "entertainment" story formula:
(Money received by show producer to mention celebrity) + (content that epitomizes meaningless drivel) = [(not so) exclusive first look at someone's birthday party, charity event that happened to have cameras, or some other garbage]
Paris Hilton isn't the modern-day Albert Schweitzer?! Oh, dear God. What next? I'll bet you're gonna tell me Lindsay Lohan isn't a virgin. Sheesh.
I can't handle this. Where's the rum?
B & T - Not sure, that may have been done already.
J.M. - Just received a loverly bottle of 12-year-old sherry casked Glenmorangie for my birthday. I was so troubled by the possibility of Lindsay being, shall we say, "known", that I just poured myself 3 fingers and didn't even Google it.
Well, pass the sherry then. I'm not picky.
This just in: Apparently Mary Kate Olsen has a substance abuse problem. Who knew?!
ha!! too funny. :)
J.M. - I just can't buy this. I suppose you'll be telling me next that Amy Winehouse has some sort issue too.
MGM - Thanks!
"Threat Level Cheetos." All we need now is a Threat Level Chex Mix and we've got ourselves a par-tay!
Yeah, after I posted this comment, I thought about "Threat Level Pokey", meaning that the all-clear level would have to be "Threat Level Gumby". Although now that I think of it, it could be "Threat Level Green Canary".
I personally think the current threat level is "Republican," with the only equivalent level (it could hardly be worse) being "Democrat." And I wish you wouldn't heap such scorn on stellar figures like Madonna, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan (you missed, for some reason, Amy Winehouse and Kato Kaelin)...if it weren't for them, we wouldn't have the sort of don't-let-this-happen-to-you figures we need to scare our children into the paths of righteousness.
bilbo - Apparently you missed Tewkesbury's comment and my response about Mary Kate Olsen and Amy Winehouse. I actually thought about Kato, but he's scarier than Norman Bates and I was trying to keep things light.
I stand corrected. Actually, I'm sitting, but you get the idea. Good call on Kato.
I am a Threat Level?! Crikies, this Monday is shapin' up to be AWESOME!
gc - Based on what I've been reading elsewhere, you'd only be a threat level if you were dancing.
A few comments removed (my own and a response to them) because in my ignorance of current events I managed to put some stuff out there that I found in extremely bad taste. Sincere apologies to anyone who may have been offended.
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