Wednesday, May 21, 2008

You're Not Miserable Enough

Whatizzit with people that makes them wish bad things on you?

I step into a room full of people and casually say, "I wish it wasn't so cool today", and someone will inevitably say, "You should live in Minnesota where I live!"

Why? What part of my statement indicating that I don't like cool weather would prompt you to tell me that I should go to some place that's even colder? They never just say, "It's even colder where I'm from". They always tell me that I should actually experience it.

This is a very difficult programming project.
You should be in our office where the manager has embedded needles in all the 'e' keys.

Spinach makes me gag.
You should come to our house for dinner. We have spinach salad followed by creamed spinach and eggs florentine and then spinach profiteroles for dessert. Every day!

I dread this business trip because it means I have to drive in Boston.
You should take a trip to New York. We're not allowed to have brakes on the cars and if you drive 2 miles without using your middle finger they cut it off.

I just read the new novel that everyone's talking about and, quite frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.
You should read every other book by that author. He's 97 years old and has been writing since he was 3. The book you just read was his best one ever! All the other ones are written in Cyrillic.

I'm nervous about sharks in the water.
You should go swimming in Australia. They cut you before you step in the ocean to attract the sharks!

I don't like the way the new stylist cut my hair.
You should try my barber! He cuts your hair with pinking shears and a lawnmower.

Yeah, I know.


lacochran said...

There does seem to be a misplaced pride in miserableness.

What? That's a word.

Gilahi said...

Yeah, I think that Stephen King novel that was made into a movie with Kathy Bates and James Caan was originally titled "Miserableness". Didn't fit on the marquee, so they shortened it.

honeykbee said...

If that darn 'e' key needle dares to poke me one more time, I'm going home to stick the milk carton under someone's nose and say "does this smell foul to you?"

Gilahi said...

Ellen Degeneris does a great bit on that. She takes a big swig of something, visibly gags and retches a bit, and then holds it out to someone else and says, "Here, taste this". You should only hold the milk carton under someone's nose if you've already determined that it that it's completely disgusting.

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