Monday, June 23, 2008

Maybe I Should Find A Hobby

Things I wonder about:

Why do advertisers tell me that their product is "not sold in stores"? Is this a good thing? I always think, "What? Couldn't you find one single store anywhere that was willing to put your piece of crap on the shelf?"

And why do they tell me that if I call in the next 10 minutes they'll cut me a deal? Am I supposed to believe that somebody somewhere is aware of every airing of this commercial everywhere in the country and is sitting with a stopwatch to ensure that I've called in time? "You're in the DC area? Sorry, you missed the deadline by 18 seconds."

Why is there a "u" in "four", "fourth" and "fourteen", but not in "forty"?

Why do we clean up, but we scrub down (unless you're a surgeon, in which case you scrub up)?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

What's a hubcap diamond star halo? (Gratuitous song reference here.)

How on earth did "Family Circus" get into all those newspapers?

If Wile E. Coyote was so smart and he could afford all the stuff from Acme, why didn't he just buy something to eat?

Why does every seaside place have a "beach" except New Jersey?

What if they're wrong and everything east of California breaks off and falls into the ocean?

Why does Geddy Lee sound that way?

I lose sleep at night. Dunno why.


lacochran said...

I hear lanyard making is big in certain circles. No rough edges to hurt yourself on.

I worked with someone who LOVED Family Circus. She was 106 and eventually retired but before that she would cut out and post Family Circus cartoons on her door. I'd say "the lame ones" but that goes without saying.

lemmonex said...

Why do I always want the things not sold in stores?

Gilahi said...

lacochran - I might've had to come in at night and just rip those down. I'd rather spend the evening watching Snuggles the Bear or the Pillsbury Dough Boy doing commercials than to read "Family Circus".

lemmonex - That must be part of the evil plan. They make you think you'll never see it again and then you'll never have a chance to buy one, even if you should decide you need it. You'd be reduced to bidding on e-Bay for a used one.

GreenCanary said...

Does Maryland have a "beach?" We have a "city" (ie: Ocean City), but there's no mention of a beach... I *knew* there was a reason why I didn't like this place.

Gilahi said...

I don't know if they actually have any beaches or not, but if you go to the website and put "beaches" into their search engine, you can learn all about the "Maryland Beaches Program". Just like Maryland to have a bloated gummint beach program when they don't even have beaches.

You should move.

Dixie said...

"What's a hubcap diamond star halo? (Gratuitous song reference here.)"

If you're going to start pondering the meaning of T.Rex songs, or any rock from the 70s, for that matter, I think you may have found a hobby that will occupy you until you die.

I can't answer any of your questions with anything approaching real answers, but I can tell you that I've wondered about all these things and more, we should write a book.

Gilahi said...

That's a great idea! I'll start trying to track down the lyrics to the closing theme of "WKRP In Cincinnati", and you start seeing what you can uncover on that whole "pompitous" thing.

Vittoria said...

Cause NJ is the best.

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway. The wonderment never ceases.

Phil said...

What about airline food?...ah? I right?.....


Gilahi said...

vittoria - No doubt. That's why Springsteen was able to work the word "suicide" into one of his most famous songs twice.

Phil - Have you ever met Cliff Claven? You two should hook up.

I think both of your comments may have gotten cut off. I didn't see the "Thanks folks! I'll be here all week. Try the veal." part

GreenCanary said...

I DO need to move! I'm thinking Oklahoma... I like the song and there's no question as to whether they have beaches.

*off to sing 'Surrey With the Fringe On Top'*

Gilahi said...

Sounds nice. The only problem that I can think of with Oklahoma is that they apparently use elephants to measure their corn crop.

Dixie said...

"Steve Miller borrowed the lyric from an old R&B song called The Letter sung by a group called The Medallions, written by band front-man Vernon Green. An actor by the name of Jon Cryer was giving a TV interview and mentioned the link along with Green's name. Upon seeing the interview, Green, who had never even heard Miller's The Joker, telephoned Cryer to give an explanation. Apparently "pompitous" should really be "puppetutes," a term Green, who was 14, alone, and living on the streets at the time he penned the lyric, invented to describe the imaginary secret paper-doll fantasy woman of his dreams [thus puppet]. Green's The Letter was a song about his perfect woman, his "puppetutes of love." In the end, Miller used a word he himself had misunderstood."

I've done my part.

Gilahi said...

Oh, fine.

"The closing theme, 'WKRP In Cincinnati End Credits', was a hard rock number composed and performed by Jim Ellis, an Atlanta musician who recorded some of the incidental music for the show. According to people who attended the recording sessions, Ellis didn't yet have lyrics for the closing theme, so he sang nonsense words to give an idea of how it would sound. Wilson decided it would be funny to use lyrics that were deliberately gibberish, as a satire on the incomprehensibility of many rock songs. Also, since CBS always had an announcer talking over the closing credits, Wilson knew that no one would actually hear the closing theme lyrics anyway."

Contact a publisher.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Questions like this keep me up at night, too!

Mine include questions like this:

Would little brother Chang (a Chinese name) really have rescued his older brother Tikki Tikki Tembo No-Sa-Rembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Pari Pembo (an overwrought Japanese name) from drowning at the bottom of the well?

Why are Americans so geographically stupid?

And, as a follow-up to that, why do Americans ask if the language of Austria is Austrian?

Why is the alphabet the alphabet?

If God had a father, and he had a father, and he had a father, and he had a father... Well, where does it all start 'cause that whole "without beginning and without end" thing is crap!

Why do Americans insist on spelling words, other than pizza, with a "z"? Customize, plagiarize, analyze, hospitalize... Need I go on?

Oh, yes, I could go on and on and on, but now I need a nap for all the sleep I've lost trying to figure out those and many other questions.

Gilahi said...

Oh great. Thanks a LOT. I may as well pull out the ol' downstairs blanket and see what movies are on late tonight, 'cause there's no way I'll be getting any sleep.

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