Monday, September 15, 2008

Playing In The Heavy Church

Mercy, mercy on the love defenders
Have pity on the pretenders
A little help from all life's losers
A little truth from the mind abusers
Ooh I need them playing in the Heavy Church
--Three Dog Night

So we're driving down I-95 yesterday. We came upon a small, dented vehicle in the right lane with three items attached to the back. First, there was this bumper sticker:

Next, there was this little gem:

Aaaaand finally, this reallly caught our attention:

When we passed the car, it was being driven by a 250-pound suicide blonde with a beehive hairdo and wraparound sunglasses, talking on the phone. Not exactly what I expected. See what can happen when you allow preconceived notions to color your perceptions? I was expecting a 250-pound guy in a John Deere cap.

I suppose it's possible that this person was just trying to ensure that all bases were covered, but I have to wonder who would be more proud of her, Jesus or the good folks at Hooters.

What I'd like to believe is that this is some sort of new cult that I haven't heard about yet. I can certainly understand the attraction of belonging to a group in which one is fed buffalo wings by scantily-clad young ladies and can tell everyone else what they can eat if they don't like it. I believe they'd call them "Angel Wings" and just dare anyone to point out the obvious problems with eating body parts off of God's messengers. Communion would be a blast (beer and cheese fries, maybe?).

Oh yeah, and Jesus. Can't forget the Jesus part.

WWJD? The Jesus that this group advocates would definitely eat wings at Hooters and, if anyone had anything to say about it, tell 'em who to call to register a complaint.

I can see the flyer under the windshield wiper now:

"Won't you join us this coming Sunday at the First Christian Church of Hooters, Wings and Screw You? We at the FCCHWSY believe that karma will balance everything, and heartburn is just penance for what you were thinking about your server. The television will be on over the bar so that we can say our prayers before the coin toss.

"It won't be your 'Last Supper', but at 3:00 AM Monday you'll wish it was.

"A gratuity of 18% will be added to all parties of 13 or more, even if one of you leaves early. Also, please note that since the incident where a member ordered 5 wings and 2 stalks of celery, fed the entire church, and then returned 12 plates of uneaten food, sharing is not allowed. In the event that water is turned into anything else prior to consumption, the appropriate price for the final product will be charged.

"We hope to see you there!"


LivitLuvit said...

Back when I had a car, if I saw someone with a Jeebus fish, I used to go out of my way to get in front of them and waggle the Darwin fish on MY bumper in their faces. Because I'm totally a jerk like that.

Gilahi said...

I don't think that's being a jerk at all. They had their say, you had yours, and the waggle could only help make your point.

Bilbo said...

Say AMEN, brother! Praise Hooters!

Kate said...

The last supper paragraph? Perfect!

Gilahi said...

bilbo - Hey! Something else we can agree on. I would've thought religion was a touchy subject.

kate - I was hoping people would catch all the NT references in there (last supper, first miracle, sermon on the mount, all that). I knew all those years of Sunday School training had to come in handy for something.

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