Things I Have Learned While Driving in Virginia

I have lived in Virginia for over 7 years at this point. Although I'd been driving for many years before coming here, it is apparent to me now that there are certain rules of the road of which I had previously been unaware. With that in mind, I've put together a couple of lists:

Things I've Learned While Driving in Virginia:

1. It is of paramount importance that I arrive at the next turn or exit ramp before the car or cars in front of me, even if that means I have to swing out, exceed the speed limit by 30 MPH, and cut off the car(s) that I pass. This may shave up to 6 seconds off my daily commute. If someone blows a horn at me, I will be astonished and/or angry at the rudeness.
2. I do not need to press on my accelerator and maintain speed while driving up a hill. It doesn't matter if this means that my cruise control is smarter than I am.
3. When coming to a red light on a multi-lane road, if there is a car in my lane and no car in another lane, I must change lanes to get into the empty one, even if I have no intention of going faster than the car that was in front of me. If you ain't the lead dog, the view is always the same.
4. If I am in the left lane and need to turn right, I do not need to change lanes until I'm 20 feet away from my intersection. At this point I can either speed up (see 1) or slam on my brakes and disrupt traffic until there's an opening in the right lane. Anything else would require planning ahead.
5. The painting of stop lines at intersections is a waste of my taxpayer dollars.
6. Ditto the erection of "No Turn On Red" signs.
7. When I stop at a red traffic signal, the earth ceases to spin on its axis, time comes to a standstill, and therefore it's OK for me to do anything I want to do, as long as I'm not paying attention to the traffic signal any more. If, by some miracle, it should ever become green again, some considerate motorist behind me will blow his or her horn as a favor to me.
8. I must come nearly to a complete stop before turning right.
9. When I merge onto the freeway, I must get into the farthest left lane as quickly as possible, whether I'm planning on passing any of the traffic or not. I must stay in this lane until I'm ready to exit. See 1.
10. While maneuvering through a parking lot, there are sometimes arrows painted on the lane and the cars on either side of me are parked at an angle. These facts convey no information whatsoever. I will never understand why some people look only one direction when backing their car out of a parking space under these circumstances, and again may have the opportunity to practice my surprise and/or anger response.
11. "Right turn on red after stop" means "right turn on red after slowing down enough to determine that I might not die if I don't stop."

I haven't driven nearly as much in Maryland or DC, but I have learned a couple of things while driving there, as well.

Things I've Learned While Driving in Maryland:

1. "Merge" means I should run up to the end of the on-ramp as quickly as possible. I then bluff my way in, even if I have to drive on the shoulder for half a mile or so. Either that, or I come to a complete stop and wait for an opening in traffic.
2. The lines in a parking lot are merely suggestions for where I should put my car.

And finally,

The One Thing I've Learned While Driving in DC:

1. I can park anywhere I want for as long as I want: Beside other parked cars, next to fire hydrants, in front of driveways, in bus or taxi lanes, or even diagonally across a busy intersection, as long as I turn on my emergency flashers. This tells everyone (including the police) that I am on a very important mission and simply don't have time to find a legal parking space. I am therefore immune from traffic tickets and the ire of other motorists.

Green, Green, The Light is Green

I have driven in many states across this great land of ours. There are certain characteristics among drivers that seem fairly unique for each geographical location. Atlantans drive very fast. It's amazing to me that you rarely read about 40-car pileups in that area. People in Raleigh, North Carolina have a tendency to pull up to a stop sign at 60 miles per hour and then slam on their brakes, leading those passing in front of them to wonder if they're actually going to stop or not. Bostonians will actually scrape the fenders of their cars to merge into a turn lane during rush hour, and those in the turn lane will allow it to happen before they'll let the person in. (A former manager of mine, on business trips to Boston, would wave his car rental agreement at someone trying to cut him off and yell, "I don't care!'; it always worked.) Vermonters seem to all drive 5 miles per hour below the speed limit, but it really doesn't take long to adopt the same sort of laid-back attitude they have and enjoy the scenery.

I now live in northern Virginia. Drivers here have a set of habits that, as far as I know, are unlike those anywhere else in the country. I was going to mention all of these, but the length of the post would become prohibitive so I'm going to focus on just one of these today. Virginia drivers, when you pull up to a red light and stop, please take note:

1. The light is not going to stay red forever, it will eventually turn back to green.
2. Technically, even though you're stopped and your foot is on the brake, you are still operating a vehicle.
3. When the light does eventually turn green again, you should take your foot off the brake and press the accelerator.

Something comes over Virginia drivers when they stop at a red light. They seem to go to a happy place that they are loath to leave. Needless to say, this merits an SAQ rating of "low". Contrary to what these people seem to think, the time spent stopped at a red light is not a good time to peruse a map, dial a phone, apply makeup, rummage through a briefcase, floss, eat a hamburger, or finish up that Tolstoy novel that they started in the bathroom this morning.

On multiple-lane highways, there seems to be some belief among these drivers that they'll know when the light has changed because the vehicle next to them will start moving and they'll notice it. Here's a thought for you folks: You may not be the only one thinking that way. I drive home every day on a 4-lane road with many traffic lights. On more occasions than I can recall, I've been in a situation where both drivers at the light are deep in some meditative state and have no idea when the light changes. Horns honk, and the drivers are inevitably surprised to find that the light is green. I have to wonder if these same people are surprised every morning when the sun comes up.

It's difficult to drive very far in this area without coming across a parking lot or a low-traffic side street. Please, if you have a nail-filing emergency, you need to clean that splotch off your glasses that's been there since you got in the car but you somehow just noticed, your hair has just got to be combed right now, you feel a seizure coming on, somebody on the sidewalk waves something shiny, whatever, pull over to take care of it.

Drivers with a higher SAQ will appreciate you for it.