This Just In...

I keep an "Entertainment News" gadget on my iGoogle home page because occasionally one of my aging rock & roll idols does something of note (e.g. - dies) that I'm interested in. I rarely read any of the articles because I really don't care who's getting married, getting divorced, pregnant, converting to Scientology, or hosting this week's awards show. Now when Keith Richards says he snorts his father, that's interesting. When Ozzy Osbourne, who can barely walk without someone next to him saying "right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot" crashes an ATV, I have to read the article just to try to figure out if he was conscious at the time and who thought it might be a good idea to put him on an ATV in the first place.

Occasionally, though, a headline will catch my eye. Earlier this year, there was a big headline about Lindsay Lohan being seen drinking at a New Year's Eve party. Oh, the article fleshed out all sorts of background about her rehab experience, her past peccadillos, poor thing, but the meat of the article was that she had taken a sip of champagne, immediately regretted it, called her (supposedly AA) sponsor, talked it out, and hadn't had any more to drink that night.

So think about this: A talentless, B-list celebrity whose only real claim to fame is that she's a celebrity in the first place took a sip of champagne on New Year's Eve and then put the glass down. This is news.

Being the analytical type, I immediately came up with this formula:

(Somebody got paid money to write this article) + (It wasn't me) = (I'm in the wrong business)

Let's see, we're at war in two different countries, the terrorist threat level has been no lower than orange for seven years, the economy's in the pits, the ice caps are melting, oil prices are surging, something like 20% of the people in this country have zero or negative equity in their homes (if they're lucky enough to still have their homes), we have history-making presidential possibilities, and Lindsay Lohan took a drink. One of these things is not like the others.

Today, however, I saw this startling revelation: Memoir says Madonna's true love is herself.

Color me surprised. Somebody (her brother) with inside information believes that Madonna just might be a teeny bit narcissistic. Huh. How would we have ever known?

Why this particular article and why now? Why not "Study shows that Barbra Streisand has enormous honker"? "Research indicates that Fox News not fair and balanced"? "Government-funded study indicates that Isaac Mizrahi might be gay"?

Given that Madonna is certainly not attractive and the only talent she's ever shown is that of marketing Madonna in some outrageous fashion (she certainly can't sing, dance or act), I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out that she actually ghost-wrote the memoir just to get her name back in the headlines.

God knows she doesn't want to kiss Britney again.