Monday, December 8, 2008

Just Go Inside Already


Aren't ATMs supposed to be for the convenience of quick transactions so you don't actually have to go into the bank? Why do I always seem to get behind the person who's decided that they can renegotiate their mortgage rate at the drive-through?

When I get to an ATM, I normally do one of two things: 1) Stick in the card; enter my PIN; yes I want a receipt; choose quick cash from checking; enter amount; done, or 2) Stick in the card; enter my PIN; yes I want a receipt; choose deposit; choose account; enter amount; insert envelope; done. Thirty seconds to a minute, tops. If there's somebody behind me, I don't even take the time to put away my wallet. I just toss things on the seat and move out of the way.

I'm a saint, that's what I am.

Friday morning, I drove down to my local bank. There was a pickup truck at the ATM. I couldn't see the person too well, and I couldn't see the ATM screen at all, but as nearly as I can tell, this is what he did: make a phone call, take a quick nap, write a letter to his congressman, finish that novel he started yesterday, and then get out his ATM card. He put the card into the machine and I thought, "Finally.... here we go". He then proceeded to enter what must have been some sort of NORAD security code, pausing to read the screen frequently between button pushes. I dunno, maybe he knew how to call up "World of Warcraft" on it or something, because I've never seen anyone push so many buttons in order to do an ATM transaction.

Periodically, a receipt would pop out of the machine which the man would take and peer at myopically for 30 seconds to a minute, but apparently Waldo continued to elude him because he would go back to punching buttons, reading the screen, and waiting for the next receipt. I counted four different receipts this guy got from the machine. Either he just needs some notepaper for his vehicle and thought this would be a good way to get it, or he's trying to figure out how to tap into his part of the $700 billion that government is giving away.

Anyway, he eventually got his card back and I, foolishly, once again thought, "Finally.... here we go". The gentleman proceeded to re-read his receipts, take other quick snooze, start his next novel, put his wallet back in his pocket, have a sandwich, scratch, look idly about, and start up his truck. Can you guess what I thought when he started up his truck? Hope truly does spring eternal, and at this point I had dreams of getting out of there in time to vote in the next presidential election. After starting his truck, he changed clothes, had a quick shower and shave, Q-Tipped his ears, sang a couple of Marvin Gaye tunes in front of his mirror using his hairbrush as a microphone, pulled forward about 18 inches and stopped his truck again.

I don't even want to speculate about what he was doing at that point, but eventually he managed to pull his vehicle into a parking spot and, finally, went inside the bank.

I suspect he's still there.

17 comments:

brian said...

I... can't help but think that you might be exaggerating just a wee bit.

Frustrated novel writers don't sing Marvin Gaye songs in front of the mirror. Just doesn't happen, nuh uh, no way.

lacochran said...

He was calling the local radio show's "Be an asshole" bit and talking about your reaction.

You been punked!

Gilahi said...

Brian - Sam Cooke? Aerosmith? Janis Joplin? How 'bout just some Jimi Hendrix air guitar?

la - So that's why that guy wanted to give me a dollar and have me sign something.

Bilbo said...

Aha! You found the same clownhead who is usually holding up the line at the supermarket ahead of me because he: (1) doesn't have enough cash; (2) can't find a credit/debit card with enough balance left for the purchase; (3) is trying to hit on the cute cashier; (4) is just a generic moron.

Lemmonex said...

I am definitely the person who sighs DEEPLY at people who take more than the requisite 30 seconds to a minute at the ATM.

Gilahi said...

Bilbo - Yeah that's the guy. He's the same one who stands in line for 20 minutes at Subway but waits until the person asks for his order before he gazes up at the selections and says, "Um......".

Lem - Does it ever work? My guess would be no. Subtlety is lost on these people.

Herb of DC said...

Are you sure you weren't behind the CEO of General Motors?

Gilahi said...

Herb - I suppose it might have Bernanke.

Mike said...

So YOUR the guy I was screwing with behind me. Next time I'll wait for someone else.

Gilahi said...

Mike - Thanks. I'll get you the location of Bilbo's bank.

fiona said...

I hate drive through anythings...make me break out *shudder* Taco Bell is the worst.
I'm pretty impressed that your "eejit" had a shower in his truck though, fancy!

LiLu said...

I'd bet anything he had $14 in his account, and was trying everything in his power to get it out of a machine that can't dispense less than $20.

Not that I've been there... (cough cough).

Gilahi said...

fiona - I think he had a freezer and a microwave, too. He was probably trying to get enough money to stock up on Pizza Rolls.

LiLu - Um, yeah! Nobody would ever do that. And if I ask for $20 and the machine gives me $40, I always march straight in and give it back.

*cough*

Narm said...

And this is why we should legalize murder.

Gilahi said...

Narm - Fortunately for both him and me, I wasn't armed at the time.

And he was probably bigger than me.

Sean said...

Congrats on making it in the Express for this post!

Gilahi said...

Sean - Who knew? I've gotta start driving a few miles in the wrong direction every morning just so I can grab an Express and look through it. I gotta give 'em some credit: I've said some pretty nasty things about them and they still occasionally publish my words.

Thanks for letting me know!

 
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